Drunk Mattress
by ElectraGoob
Summary: One rainy day the gang sits around telling funny stories. Juvia decides to tell a couple stories from her mysterious childhood. Will she win the funniest story challenge? (May continue if I get more ideas for other character's entries)


This story was thought up and written down after midnight. It is purely meant for comedy's sake.

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Juvia sat with her friends in the guild one rainy day. They were all telling various stories from past jobs when the conversation turned suddenly into a battle of who could tell the funniest story. Erza had just completed a story of how she had ended up finding the effects of accidentally eating jumping beans. Lucy had told a hilarious tale from her life in her father's house with one of the servants and a cake gone horribly wrong. Natsu could not make it through his story due to laughing so hard. So Gajeel stepped in and was on fire with a tale from when he was in Phantom Lord. Juvia was laughing hysterically throughout the whole ordeal as Gajeel's face told more story than his actual words did.

"And then the whole thing just kinda exploded in his face. There was bits of slime everywhere. I told him not to shake it."

As soon as the laughter died down a little everyone glanced at each other in anticipation for the next story.

"Juvia," Gajeel said looking over to his friend, "you go next."

"Oh no," Juvia said raising her hands in protest, "I couldn't possibly."

"C'mon," Gajeel egged on, "her life before her father died was literally the funniest thing in the world. Her family is insane."

"Gajeel," Juvia whined, "it wasn't that funny."

"I wanna hear it," Natsu said leaning forward on the table.

"Yeah," Lucy said nudging the water mage beside her, "what trouble did you get yourself in?"

"She got in tons of trouble," Gajeel said with a deep belly laugh, "Tell them the day William was banned from the bakery, NO tell them the amateur EMT story, NO the day Sasha was hunted by the cops!"

"Okay, okay!" Juvia said defeated.

"Sounds like you have had a crazy childhood," Gray said leaning on both arms on the table.

"Those are stories about my older cousins, not Juvia," Juvia said blushing.

"Then tell them—"

"Juvia will tell them the story of the flying eyebrows," Juvia interrupted Gajeel.

"That sounds insane," Levy said pulling a leg up underneath her.

"Well," Juvia started, "if you ever met my father before he died, you would understand. You see, when he was frustrated with us kids, my cousins came over a lot when we were younger, he would move his eyebrows up and down as he spoke. Honestly, if he got really furious with us, you would think they would break loose from his head and enter orbit! Anyway, Juvia's father worked long days and would come home from work tired and frustrated. Us kids knew that if he was frustrated enough we would have to really behave ourselves the rest of the night. You know, like we would send one of us to the window.

'Do you see him, Collin?'

'The bird's light pattern has been steered Eastward, get the hose and hide the evidence!'

"Anyway, one night, my father came home and he was really tired. He told us, 'Get thee away from my presence!' just like that, no joke. He would always talk like that when he was frustrated with someone other than us kids. So William, the oldest of us saw the deadly eyebrow bounce-house on my dad's forehead and decided to take us to the basement.

"Now I was about 5 at the time and the basement to me was literally the gateway to hell. You could have a cotton candy wonderland with happiness and unicorns and giggled down there and I will swear that I heard Satan fart in my general direction and get the hell out of there.

"So my cousin William takes us to the basement where he has the two youngest out of four of us go down. That would be me, 5, and Collin, who was 3 at the time. So we go down the stairs ever so slowly complaining the whole way down.

'I don't know why I have to go down. You are the bigger one. It's scary down here. I just heard a fart!'

"So we get down there and the lights are on. Honestly, that should have been a hint to us. So we look back up the stairs and I say in the most adorable little 5-year-old voice because I do not care who you are, I was the most adorable little 5 year old in the world and no one can convince me otherwise, I said, 'You get down here you frady cats!' and in that moment I saw it. In the corner of William's eye I saw it… pure evil. He turned off the lights to the basement from the top of the stairs.

"Out of the darkness, I kid you not, we all hear this deep voice shout, TURN THAT GOD DAMNED LIGHT BACK ON!' We all learned a new phrase that day and my father was not pleased.

"Something you need to realize is that my father did not leave all four of us kids running around that big house all by ourselves all day and my next story will tell you why. He had hired a lovely lady who we so affectionately called Bertha. Now Bertha was in charge of washing the laundry. The laundry room was in the basement. Unbeknownst to everyone in this story, she was in the basement doing the laundry, because that way she could make sure we were in for the day and not about to go out and have a mud bath in our Sunday best. However, when we turned off the lights, she was about to put in the detergent into the washing machine.

"She had five outfits to add to her load because my father was also not expecting such a sound to come from the basement. I still call Bertha on occasion now to remind her to keep the light on when she does her laundry."

Natsu was no longer sitting at the table due to laughing so hard. Gajeel was crying. Erza, Lucy, and Levy were all leaning on one another as they fought for air.

"That was awesome," Gray said wiping a tear from his eye, "Satan farted…"

"But, wait," Happy said pulling himself up from the floor, "you said there was another story about why you weren't allowed to stay home alone?"

"Tell us that one," Wendy said after a cough.

"If you thought that was funny," Juvia started, "Alright, this one is called 'How do I explain that sound to my neighbors.'

"Oh gosh," Erza said through a giggle, "sounds great already."

"It has another name, that I'll tell you later," Juvia said smiling wide.

"This happened when I was seven. You see, my cousins have always been very good at getting anyone else in trouble. They were so good, they even got my dad in trouble with himself. That takes skill. Anyway, so they have this wonderful ability to get anyone in trouble. Unfortunately, being one of the younger of the four of us, they were also very good at getting me into trouble for them. They would say stuff to me like:

'The fire escape looks like an awesome jungle gym.'

"and I would always look up at them and be like:

'Oh yes, great and wise older children, that does look like a fun gym to play on.'

"So we would play on the fire escape and have a ball. But right when my dad got home, everyone else would magically vanish, leaving me hanging upside down from a small bar two stories above the ground and I would hear:

'JUVIA SUZANNE LOCKSER YOU GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!' and I would have no idea how they did it.

"But did that stop me from doing the stupid stuff that got me in trouble? Hell no, I wanted to learn their secret.

"So one day, my father left us alone for most of the day. A few hours in my cousin William pipes up with:

'I have an idea!'

"And that is never a good thing. That is always the phrase that brings about the worst possible ending, especially for those who are considered the expendables of the group. The expendables of my group were myself and Collin. I hope you notice that there has been an unnamed fourth party this entire time and this is the perfect chance to explain that this girl was so good at getting out of trouble that I doubt anyone knew she was even there. That was the power of being the second oldest: disappearing into the darkness. I doubt even she knew she was there.

"Anyway, he had an idea. So he comes up to me and says:

'Juju-bee," that was my nickname because as I said before, I was freaking adorable, He says, 'Juju-bee, go upstairs and grab your mattress.' I feel I do not need to tell you what was devilish in that phrase.

"So I, an seven-year-old girl with bony arms, go to my room and fight with a mattress four times my size, to bring it to the top of the stairs for a purpose I still had yet to understand.

"My cousins, on the other hand, had all done this before. They were all working hard to gather blankets and pillows from around the house and started lining the staircase with them. The plan was to take the mattress and use it as a sled of some sort and slide down the stairs. We were all under the age of eleven. None of us were exactly physicists. You see, my stairs were not the typical single flight. No, it had two landings. From later experiences we came to discover that you could not make it past the first landing. What we did discover was that we can now stop a bloody nose in seventeen seconds flat. We also discovered that:

'Tilt your head up and snuff really hard, maybe it will go back in,' is not legitimate medical procedure when dealing with a broken nose. Hence Collin will never be my doctor and Sasha's nose is a little crooked.

"Anyway, that was their plan, take my mattress and sled down my stairs: a goal which we have yet to reach to this day. I was seven years old with a mattress four times my size. I was not very strong. I was inching that beast along the hallway in hopes of bumping into something. I still had no idea what my cousins had in mind. What I did find, however, was the staircase.

"At this point I will now change points of view from myself to my father.

"He always told the next part of the story as follows:

'I walked in the door that day to see a mattress with pink flowers tottering drunkenly toward the stairs. My three nephews and niece all stood at the bottom of the stairs with innocent looks in their eyes. It was then that the mattress suddenly lurched forward and with a mighty screech loud enough to wake the dead, gave birth to my only daughter. It was the second proudest day of my life. It was only after she began to tumble in an awkward fashion that I decided to catch her, for if her head was stuck turned backward like that, the neighbors would stare at her.'

"And that is the story called 'How do I explain that noise to my neighbors,' or more lovingly called by the Lockser family, 'Drunk Mattress Gives Birth.'"

THE END

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None of the stories told by Juvia really happened.

No Mages were harmed in the making of this story.

Thank you!


End file.
